Patty: Lynette how do ya expect me ta cook this Tofu when I can't even manage to pick it up sweetie? It feels just like scungili, all slimy and wet. My goodness, why on this Earth did you have to become a vegetarian? Oh my Gawd!" I have to tell you all that ever since my little Lynette became a vegetarian my whole life has been a shambles. I have to deal with two menues now. Oh my Gawd, I can barely keep a handle preparing one! I never heard of this Vegitarian business before. I could think of only bean burgers or this Toefoo stuff I saw on Oprah. I must tell ya that the bean burger were a definite no no. The last time I tried to cook them they turned to mud pies. I mean they looked like ca..ca!

So the man at Shop-Rite told me that that left me with only one choice? I said to the butcha "If God wanted people to eat Tofu he wouldn't have given us teeth. Why in Gawds name isn't there such a thing as Italian sausages without meat? They got those turkey ones don't they?" Will you look at this Lynnie, this yuk just slipped between my fingers and splattered all over the floor! Please come in here and help me young lady because Ewel Gibbons I'm not!

Lynette: Mom what seems to be the matta? Look how easy this is ta handle? Okay? Can you figure it out now?

Patty: Young lady, don't patronise me or I'll smack you silly.

Lynette: Well Mother did you at least put the marinade together yet?

Marinade For Tofu.
1/4 cup freshly squeezed lime juice
3 tablespoons dark soy sauce
2 tablespoons brown sugar
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
4 cloves garlic, minced
3 jalapenos, minced
1 large red pepper cut into cubes
2 cups cilantro, chopped
1/4 cup dry roasted peanuts, chopped

Mix all the ingredients together. Place the Tofu slices in the bottom of a dish. Pour the marinade over the Tofu slices and marinate in the refrigorator for 30 minutes. Grill the Tofu on top of an oiled grill or on a piece of aluminum foil.

Patty: Lynnie, what the heck is this stuff anyway? It reminds me of an Ivory soap bar that has gone limp! Ya know sweetie this stuff is not fingernail friendly! Well it looks like the only way to pick this stuff up is ta stick my claws into it. Oh my Gawd and I just paid $45.00 dollars to have the French Polish done too!. Oh my gosh this stuff is slimy and stunad! Lynette are you gonna give me hand in here?

Lynette: What are you doing Motha? Your not supposed to stab it with yaw nails like that! Haven't you ever heard of a spatula? Just watch and pay attention to me. Just slide it onto a spatula like this and transfer it to the pan Gumada Jennie. Now you give it a try. Bye the way where did you get that gawdy apron?. You look just like Lucille Ball with all those big ugly polka dots! You cook like her too!

Motha you know you really should start eating Tofu. All that sausage and pasta is really putting inches on you! Tofu is really good faw you. It's got Protease inhibators that is supposed to stop the big "C" and its got these Isoflavones for your menopause...

Patty: I saw what?? You keep it up young lady and I'm gonna kick you till ya stop breathing. Anyhow, I DON'T WONNA TALK ABOUT IT!. Excuse me dahling but why don't you and your healthfood guru boyfriend make my life a little easier and eat a T-bone like everybody else? This soy is crapola!! Food for chipmunks. Doesn't Ronnie get this fumage all over his goatee? Why don't you tell him to take a nice shave and make himself a little bit more presentable?

Hello, are ya listening ta me or am I talking to the minastrone? I am your Motha ya know and I'm allowed to say these things to ya. Oh, bye the way your father wants to know are you two gonna marry or continue living in sin?.

Lynette: Oh Motha I'm sorry were you tawling ta me? I DON'T WONNA TAWK ABOUT IT!.

Patty: Can we tawk please? How beautiful would that be, a daughter who tawks to her Motha. Okay Lynnie what do I do with this chunk of wonna be scugilli now?.

Lynette: Just let it marinate until we grill it. Okay? Call me when you get ready to grill it.

Patty: Don't worry Lynnie I've got everything under control.

Lynette: That's what I'm afraid of!

Patty: Vinnie, you got the grill lit yet? Snap too it and don't fawget the tongs. Okay now let's see, I got the macaroni salad and the Beefstake tomatos sliced nice and thick. Oh my goodness, nearly fawgot to season the T-Bones.

Cucuna Italia.

3/4 teaspoon dried oregano
3/4 teaspoon dried basil
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1/2 teaspoon salt

(Patty goes over to the grill and throws the steaks on to cook and a flame jumps into the air and burns Patty's 'do.)

Patty: Ahhhhhhh! Oh my Gawd, I can't believe I just burnt my beautiful hair! Vinnie, Vinnie come hear! Hurry it up will ya? Let your ball game wait for a minute. and give me a hand. Please cook these T-Bones and then throw on your daughter's Tofutti stuff after the steaks are done...I got an emergency here...

(Patty storms into the house and heads right toward her bathroom. After trimming off her scorched ends she comes to the dining room where everyone is seated waiting to eat dinner.)

Patty says grace and dinner is served. Everything is nice until...

Lynette: "YEEEUUUUCCCH!!!!! Motha I am going to puke my brains out! How COULD ya do this to me? You know I'm vegetarian. It's covered in meat grease...How could you do this? Eating meat is against all my principles and look what you do to me! I've HAD it with this family. I'm outta here! Come on Ronnie let's blow this joint.

Patty: Oh my Gawd, Vinnie, did I forget to tell you not too cook the Tofu where the meat was? I did tell ya Vinnie, didn't I? Lynnie darling I didn't know you guys had PRINCIPLES!! You gotta TELL me these things...